When Things Don't Go How I Planned

I like my schedule – perhaps a little too much. I thrive when there’s a plan, a tidy order to my day – life. I love lists and itineraries – marking things off and knowing what to expect.

And then there was this week.

Accidents happened, schedules got changed, plans shriveled right in front of me. People who were supposed to call never did, readers disappeared, new opportunity turned into a dead weight of disappointment. Things just didn’t go as planned – how I planned, anyway.

So, I am left with a choice: live according to my feelings, or live according to His fact.

My feelings are strong, noisy. They say I should give up, look for something else to do. They say I’m a loser and stupid for ever thinking it could work out. They tell me it’s not going to get better, that my situation will never change. They tell me my goals are only pipe dreams.

But in gentle softness, the undertone of His fact quiets, reassures, brings peace. His fact says in all things He works for my good, that I can do all things through Him. He tells me I am an overcomer through his blood. He calls me His daughter – blessed and highly favored. He says nothing surprises Him, that His plans for me are good – to give me a hope and a future. He reminds me that He will never leave me, that He will not let me fall.

Then I remember how my feelings have let me down in the past – how they’ve caused disorder, chaos, malfunction, how they are not always true – how they are based on my perception of things and not necessarily on reality. I also think of Him, how He’s provided and made a way where there didn’t seem to be one – every single time – how He gives me fresh grace for each day and somehow I make it, how He gives me strength.

The right choice is suddenly clear.

When we live according to our feelings, we are doomed to a miserable existence full of fear, fighting, fluctuation, frustration and failure. But when we choose to live by His fact, we walk in faith, freedom, fulfillment, focus and favor.

I will choose fact over feeling.

Write to Restore: Post Partum

Wednesday morning came bright and clear, bringing with it strong contractions and a twinge of fear. Six weeks away from my due date and not-so-ready for their arrival, I was taking life day by day.  “We have to try to hold on a little bit longer,” the doctor had said, “The longer we wait, the better off they will be.” Pre-term labor had plagued my first pregnancy requiring medication and numerous hospitalizations, and it visited again during this pregnancy demanding the same. But early delivery is common with twins, so my doctor set a goal: 34 weeks, 2 days. If I could make it to that point, both babies would be viable and active labor would no longer be stopped. 

Sleepy sweat curling the back of his hair, my 18-month-old slept in my arms as I made the call. “They are pretty strong,” I told my husband, “If they do not stop soon, I think we should go.”  At 34 weeks, 1 day, I had almost made the cut. Would they send me home empty-handed once again, or could this really be it?  My mind wandered, worrying all afternoon as contractions grew intense and much closer together. At 6:00 p.m. we went to the hospital. They decided to keep me overnight to monitor my progress as well as the babies’ heart rates. Active labor had begun, and this time I wouldn’t leave empty-handed – or so I thought.

On Thursday afternoon at 5:54 and 6:03 p.m. respectively, at 34 weeks, 2 days, they arrived screaming and silent, one pink, one blue. My first girl was beautiful and healthy, my second beautiful and unable to breathe. She had been in a breach position for a long time, and the doctor had planned to pull her out by the feet once her sister was delivered. She beat him to it though and decided to flip on her own. In the nine minutes between their births, in her turn and descent, the cord became prolapsed, choking life, stealing breath. After nerve-wracking moments and intense work, the nurses reported she needed assistance but would be okay. Relieved and grateful, I tried to rest and mentally prepare for the hard work ahead. Three babies under age two – I had my work cut out for me.

The day after their birth brought good news and bad. Both girls, breathing well and responding to treatment, thrived, but because of their prematurity, neither had developed a suckling reflex.  Tube-feeding was necessary until they learned to suckle, and my second-born had jaundice, requiring she be kept under bili lights. Baby A would be released when she was able to suck, breathe, and swallow, keeping down all of her bottle. Baby B needed to meet the same requirements, but would also need to be jaundice-free before discharge.

For almost two weeks I felt ripped in two. Because my18-month-old was too small to visit his sisters, various relatives and friends offered to keep him a couple of hours during the day so I could be with the girls. My husband visited them each day after work, and in the evenings when he got home, I would visit them again. On weekends we visited our daughters together. Baby A was doing well and making progress. Not interested in a bottle, but otherwise fine, she was in a regular bed and we could hold her as much as we wanted to. Baby B still had jaundice. Like her sister, she was making progress despite her inability to suckle, but she needed to be in the light and warmth of an incubator to combat the yellow. Because of this 24-hour need for bilirubin, we were unable to hold her.

While we were able to embrace and bond with one twin, we were only able to touch the other through the pair of holes in her clear plastic cocoon. If we were lucky enough to arrive at bath time, we would be allowed to clean her, giving us ten whole minutes of bubble-free bonding. The fact that I could cuddle one baby but not the other took a heavy toll on my emotions. It felt as if I was choosing between them, showing some kind of cruel favoritism. Of course nothing could have been farther from the truth, but I was tired and guilty and stretched to my limit, so irrational thoughts made a lot of sense. I also worried about my toddler and how separation from him might effect changes in behavior or produce insecurities.

I felt guilty for leaving my son, guilty for holding Baby A but not Baby B, guilty for missing bath time more often than not, guilty I could not hold them in any longer, and guilty for leaving them. Everyone told me to rest and enjoy the time before they came home. It would be complete chaos with three babies, and I should get all the rest I could. I am quite sure the people who said these things never had to leave a child at the hospital. How could I rest and enjoy free time when every second was filled with painful separation? Who can leave her premature babies and rest peacefully, knowing all the possibilities, the potential for setback? I should have been thankful they did not have major problems, and I was, but I experienced more sorrow than gratitude.

And thus began my long battle with post partum depression. Born of guilt and inadequacy, stress and imbalance, it ate away at my being. I didn’t know it had a name or that others experienced it too. I felt isolated and freakish, resentful and frustrated, but mostly ashamed. Who would understand? I couldn’t tell anyone. And so I didn’t. I lied and pretended, but in keeping my secret I only hurt myself more.

Secrets never help. Ever. Relief only comes through truth and honesty. I wish I would have known that sooner. Satan likes to isolate us, overwhelm us, tell us lies, convince us that no one understands or cares. Don’t believe it. You are not alone. You matter. You are loved.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. – John 10:10 (NIV)

God has delivered me from going down to the pit, and I shall live to enjoy the light of life. – Job 33:28 (NIV)

When God Asks the Impossible

He didn’t ask me personally, whisper His plans in my heart. He knew I would say I can’t. He got others involved; He’s smart. Somehow He understands that if He places the thought directly into my mind I will doubt, call it last night’s tacos, rationalize, talk myself out of it. But, if He gives the opportunity – has someone seek me out – He knows that in spite of my shortcomings and feelings of fear I will pray and consider. It’s like He’s omniscient or something.

It’s harder for me to say no to others than it is for me to say no to God – that’s my ugly truth. But others don’t ask me to do things they know I cannot do. They consider my abilities, personality, background, talents – they ask of me according to my experience and aptitude. God doesn’t do that. He always asks me to do hard things – things I feel incapable of. But really, isn’t that the point?

If He asked me to do things I can do by myself, I wouldn’t need to depend on Him. I would never comprehend His grace, provision, strength, mercy, and love. I couldn’t understand His power. Andrae Crouch said it best: If I’d never had a problem, I wouldn’t know God could solve them, I’d never know what faith in God could do.

Once again I’ve been relying on my feelings instead of His fact. In all things He works for my good (Rom. 8:28). Not some things, not only the tasks I feel capable or worthy of, ALL things. He is active, exerting influence, making effort, carrying out operations, shaping, cultivating, achieving, solving, arranging – working – on my behalf all the time, in every situation. How can I say no to that?

God does not ask your ability or your inability. He asks only your availability. – Mary Kay Ash

Why doesn’t He ask our ability or inability? He knows what we’re capable of, but more than that, He sees our ability through the lens of His partnership with us. If we’re covered by Christ’s blood, He sees the ability, grace, and power we are covered in, and in conjunction with the gifts He has given us, there is nothing we cannot do. But we must trust that power and grace; we must stay under His covering; we have to rely on His facts rather than our feelings.

God knows you better than anyone else, so you can trust that if He’s asked you to do something, you are capable of it. His will won’t lead you where His grace can’t keep you. Your part is to trust, obey, and rely on Him. Listen to facts, not your feelings. Feelings are based on perception; facts are based on truth.

Don’t ask God to guide your footsteps if you’re not willing to move your feet. – Anonymous

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. – II Corinthians 12:9 (NIV)

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. – Deuteronomy 31:6 (NIV)

“Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you until all the work for the service of the temple of the Lord is finished.” – I Chronicles 28:20

Counting

Warm skin, cold black surface – our meetings become more and more regular, more of a secret. The numbers that mock also affirm – such a cruel game they play. Luring me in, laughing, telling me I’ve done well but have too far to go to celebrate, every day they loom large in my head, these numbers. And I feel like my life is nothing but counting.

Adding up every morsel I consume, subtracting each bit of work; dividing by every single mistake, trying to multiply the lack by His grace. I hate math – I’ve never been good at it. I tend to subtract, divide more than multiply and add – it’s safer to take away than gain, easier to be less than more.

I get so caught up with my figures – the one outside and the ones within, and I try not to care, to believe it doesn’t matter, to understand that who I am can’t be quantified with numbers, that my value doesn’t come from a scale. But it’s simpler to trust a number. Numbers don’t lie – they assign worth and give the illogical, incomprehensible calculable configurations.

And that’s really what I want – why I love to hate numbers – I want to make head-sense of matters of the heart, to understand His unexplainable, unconditional love, to accept His hope and forgiveness for every part of my life. But He doesn’t use a scale or a calculator; He doesn’t assign numbers that give value. His blood computed my significance; measures my worth.

Numbers reveal facts but they can’t explain truth. Our true importance is not evaluated by definable standards, figures we so often judge by – age, weight, account balance, address, salary. God looks beyond every number assigned us, sees the heart, the soul. He loves unconditionally, weighs the immeasurable with grace and mercy, balances our lack with His abundance.

How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. – Psalm 139: 17-18 (NIV)

 

Provision or Promise

I never thought the choice between provision and promise was mine. God decides that stuff after all, right? It’s more convenient to think so. If things go wrong I can blame it on Him, say it wasn’t His will, absolve myself of any personal responsibility, but like everything else in life, the decision to walk in provision over promise is, in fact, my choice.

Provision is defined as necessary supplies, especially for a journey. Promise is an assurance that something will happen, an indication that something will turn out successfully. Provision isn’t risky – it’s safe, predictable, comfortable. It’s knowing that you have enough for your needs right now; it’s swimming in the shallow end with no interest in what lies deeper. Promise however, is dangerous. It’s full of hope, belief, abundance. It’s a chance to step out, gain more, go to new places.

The Israelites sent spies to the Promised Land – only two of twelve saw promise over provision. Ten were scared, content, comfortable with just having needs met; two were confident, hungry, filled with hope and trust in God. Provision doesn’t have faith or hope – it lives by what it sees. Promise is pregnant, expecting, hopeful – it lives by faith.

The ten without hope were struck down and died of plague for grumbling  and spreading a bad report about God’s promised land. But the two who believed, Joshua and Caleb, were the only ones of their generation who entered into the promise. What’s the difference between the ten and the two? Choice. Ten chose provision; two chose promise. Hope, faith, trust – these are choices we make every day: live in fear, predictability, mundane; or stretch, grow, swim into the deep unknown fully confident that He is there waiting.

Promise is bold, full of growth, requires work. It demands commitment, is sometimes painful, and forces courage. Fear is a feeling; courage is a choice. We have to choose between provision and promise and act accordingly – faith without works is dead. Nothing worth having comes easily. God honors our faith and commitment, every word He says is true, but we have to do our part. Our actions reveal our beliefs. What do yours say about you? Provision or promise?

Nevertheless, as surely as I live and as surely as the glory of the Lord fills the whole earth, not one of those who saw my glory and the signs I performed in Egypt and in the wilderness but who disobeyed me and tested me ten times – not one of them will ever see the land I promised on oath to their ancestors. No one who has treated me with contempt will ever see it. But because my servant Caleb has a different spirit and follows me wholeheartedly, I will bring him into the land he went to, and his descendants will inherit it. – Numbers 14:21-24 (NIV)

Thoughts from the Week

 

If He says you’re worth dying for, then your life is worth living.

Past experience too often limits our imagination. Push through the wall, through past barriers and stopping points. Even though you can’t see what’s on the other side and that may be scary, you can’t let past failure or disappointment dictate your life. Yes, there is risk involved, but you’ll never know if you never try. Are you willing to risk losing your future to a past hurt? Don’t let the past have all the power. True power is found in His hope, love, and grace – in getting up and moving forward beyond where you’ve ever been.

Ultimately, our words do only 2 things – help or hurt. What will you choose?

 

Our thoughts and words are like the rudder of a ship – they may seem small, but they affect the direction of our lives. – Joyce Meyer

A day without prayer is a day I’ve told God I can live without Him. – Bill Elliff

A Bible that’s falling apart usually belongs to someone who isn’t. – Charles Spurgeon

You are not what you feel – you are what you believe. Your feelings will catch up if you’re steadfast in your belief. – Joyce Meyer

If you are not careful, listening to what other people say about you may cause you to forget who you actually are. – Lisa Bevere

Write to Restore: Myths About Mental Illness

1. It’s your fault.

2. You’ll never get better.

3. Your illness is different than other kinds of diseases.

4. God can’t use you.

It’s easier to talk about mental illness today than it was 50 years ago. The topic is less taboo, there is less stigma attached to it, and there is much greater social awareness and understanding of the human brain and how it functions. However, as far as we’ve come in terms of scientific and collective knowledge of such diseases, there are still many myths associated with mental illness.

I’ve listed four of them above, and the reason I chose these is because they are all thoughts I personally held before I myself went crazy. I was a late bloomer and did not develop the symptoms of mental illness until my late 20s, at which time I was diagnosed as Bipolar II and Bulimic. Those were the worst years of my life, and during that time Satan used these erroneous beliefs to bully me and keep me from the truth.

Without getting into research or jargon, I want to briefly address each of these points in case there may be someone out there who is currently being held captive by these lies. First of all, a person who is mentally ill is not to blame for his or her disease. Mental illness can run in families, making one genetically predisposed. This, in conjunction with the right environmental stressors, creates the perfect set up for the development of disease. Even without a genetic predisposition, the right amount of stress or duress can create symptoms, and that amount is different for different people.

Don’t assume that once you have developed psychiatric problems you’ll never get better. While it’s true that such diseases can get worse over time, it is more likely that with proper treatment you will get better. It is not an easy road, but a combination of therapy and the right medication generally yield great results. The key is to admit there is a problem and address it. You have to be willing to work if you want to be better.

Mental illness is like any other physical disease in the sense that in many cases there are known causes, susceptibilities, and treatments. A person diagnosed with cancer or diabetes finds the problem, treats it with medicines and therapies, and adjusts his or her lifestyle to make the symptoms manageable or go into remission. The same is true of someone with psychiatric issues. You have to make a choice – fight or give in, change lifestyle and environment or remain toxic, be treated or get worse.

For Christians who suffer with mental illness, one of the biggest hurdles to overcome is the feeling that God could never use you because of the disease. But, feeling is not fact. God uses all kinds of people, especially afflicted ones. Paul dealt with a thorn in his flesh, but God used him mightily. I have listened to and learned from speakers who have had addictions, diseases such as muscular dystrophy, multiple sclerosis, and cancer, and several who God has used to teach me have even been unable to speak at all. God uses those who are willing, not those who are perfect.

The Bible is filled with people God used in powerful ways – most of whom had issues. A few examples: David was a murderer and appears to have had some symptoms of a narcissistic personality disorder. Moses was also a murderer, had a major identity crisis, and was full of anxiety and depression. Jonah had a God complex. John the Baptist lived in the wilderness in animal skins, ate bugs, and yelled to the top of his lungs about the Messiah. Crazy? You be the judge.

The point is that we all have issues, and no one is perfect. No one. God uses who He wants to when He wants to, and He doesn’t have to explain or qualify His decisions to anyone. Broken people need other broken people. People need your story. They need the hope of knowing how God has helped you in your life. Don’t write yourself off, let God finish your story. His plans for you are greater than you can ever imagine.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

Cancelled

With sweaty palms and trembling hands I pull the marker from its lid. Bright and bleeding, its shiny red smears as tip touches forehead in slow motion. In backward lettering, with reflection’s guide, I engrave my feelings:

C-A-N-C-E-L-L-E-D

I wrote myself off a long time ago, on the inside, anyway. But now it seems proper to wear my scarlet letters for all to see – a forewarning of my lack. Expectation will be their sin; judgment their discretion. And when disappointment looms as it most assuredly will, they can’t say they didn’t know.

But one day in prayer, He showed up – He asked about my letters. I explained myself, He understood, told me to leave them there. “The capitals can stay – they’re my favorite color. I’ll just write over them, make them bold and new.” And as He carved, letter on letter, with the blood from the holes in His hands, my label took on a whole new meaning:

C - clean

A - absolved

N - new

C - cherished

E - exonerated

L  - liberated

L - loved

E - emancipated

D - daughter

Now in the mirror when I see that word, I think of His love, not my lack. And I remember the day He cancelled my cancelled – the day His blood made my letters new.

Praise the Lord, my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name. Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all his benefits – who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s. The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust. – Psalm 103:1-5, 8-14 (NIV)

Wherever You Are, Be There

We walked through woods, rowed boats, went fishing; we roasted marshmallows, laughed, enjoyed each other. 

All we had to do was be – present, in the moment, ourselves, with each other. And we were – simply being – just us. No make-up, bad hair, smelly, no pretense, no mask – true, unguarded, safe.

And without phones in hand, computers in bags, Time stopped marching, started strolling.

Sometimes I – we – forget to empty our hands, lay down our bags, let Time slow down.

I try so hard, look forward too much, backtrack often. I forget to look up, breathe, see the Son.

He just wants me to be where I am.

There is purpose in each place and time of our lives. I wonder how much I’ve missed because I went back to look for something or was too focused on the end of the path that I didn’t appreciate the opportunity of each moment along the way.

One today is worth two tomorrows. – Benjamin Franklin

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift of God, which is why we call it the present. – Bill Keane

Men and women don’t live very long; like wildflowers they spring up and blossom, but a storm snuffs them out just as quickly, leaving nothing to show they were here. God’s love, though, is ever and always, eternally present to all who fear him, making everything right for them and their children as they follow his covenant ways and remember to do whatever he said. – Psalm 103:15-18 (MSG)

Write to Restore: Struggle

When I say I used to struggle with bulimia, I’m lying. The ugly truth is that I struggle still. It’s hard for me to admit that. Yes, God did a massive work in my life, and no, I don’t binge and purge, starve myself, exercise for hours on end, or abuse laxatives anymore, but I fight daily. So where’s the battle? My mind.

I started a weight loss plan/healthier lifestyle a few weeks ago. I haven’t really told anyone – just a handful of friends – because I don’t want people to know if I fail. And while it’s good that I’m taking control by exercising and eating right, it has opened a door that I fear was never completely closed.

I count – incessantly. I got out my scale. I measure everything. I exercise vigorously for 40 minutes daily, but it just doesn’t seem to be enough. I have to make myself eat. That stuff comes from him – my friend B. He’s whispering louder and louder these days. And while this time I recognize the lies, understand how he works, and know how to fight him, some days it feels like a battle I’ll never really win.

I had a bad day earlier this week – he talked me into stupid things – I failed miserably. It was then I realized that at any given moment I am but a hair’s width away from falling into his trap again. I have to fight. Hard. Every day. Every hour.

And fight I will.

Because now I understand. Struggle doesn’t make me a failure. Struggling is defined as making great effort to deal with a challenge, problem, or difficulty; making great physical effort to achieve or obtain something; moving with great effort; and moving or wriggling forcefully in an attempt to escape.

Failing is doing nothing. It is defined as not functioning or growing; becoming weaker.

So actually, struggling and failing are opposites.

Are you battling something today? Don’t give up. Struggle doesn’t make you a failure, it makes you a fighter; it makes you stronger, prepares you for greater. As long as we live there will be resistance, but we are overcomers, and if we keep fighting, we will win.

Dear brothers and sisters, whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything. – James 1:2-4 (NLT)

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. – I Corinthians 10:13 (NIV)

Simply Complicated

It’s funny how we make things much more complicated than they were ever meant to be. I do it all the time. Making mystical and intricate guesses as to what God’s greater plan may be, I sometimes focus on things I have absolutely no understanding of or control over, so much so that I fail to see the obvious.

I talk to a lot of people who are trying to find God’s purpose for their lives. They know God has great plans for them, but they just cannot seem to unearth “it” – that one thing they hope will bring fulfillment and the assurance they are indeed in the will of God. Of course, God does have purpose for each of us, but sometimes we get so focused on the chasing, finding, uncovering that we lose sight of this moment. Every instant of our lives has purpose; God wastes nothing. God’s will isn’t somewhere off in the future – it’s here, now.

We want to make it harder than that though. We like to see the big picture. We enjoy hearing that God has great plans for our lives and that someday we will reach the masses, because somehow, God using us right now where we are is not good enough. We have to imagine ourselves in bigger, better. We live for  the magic moment when God peels back the heavens, stoops to our level and reveals His plan for us to be dentists in Peru, famous singers, prolific writers, or great preachers; because being a mom taking care of her family, a dad setting an example, a teacher helping one student, or a clerk with an encouraging word just doesn’t seem important in the grand scheme of things.

There’s nothing wrong with having dreams, wanting to know what we can achieve, or believing God for great things. But, it’s dangerous to become so focused on later that we miss now, because it’s these now moments that prepare us for the greater that is to come.

If I have learned anything from my personal experiences, it is that God uses everything – good and bad, ugly and pretty, common and extraordinary – to move us to the place He wants us to be. Most of the time, God doesn’t tell us what’s going to happen. Why? Because we’ll get so caught up in THAT that we’ll miss THIS.

God’s plans take time and are often a journey. He reveals what we need to know when we need to know it, and have no doubt, God uses everything. Don’t get so focused on later that you don’t live now. What we do in these moments determines our future destination. Let’s make the choice to be present, to live with purpose now, so that when the greater, bigger comes, we will be ready.

Always be joyful. Keep on praying. No matter what happens, always be thankful, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus. – I Thessalonians 5:16-18 (NLT)

Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will direct your paths. – Proverbs 3:5-6 (NLT)

When All You Can Say Is, "HELP!"

See that face? It perfectly describes how I feel today. It’s only 8:15 a.m. and I already need a do-over. I overslept, each of my three children had a mini crisis, I have miles of laundry to fold and put away, I’m supposed to clean out the kids’ closets today, I’m dreading my exercise routine because I’m sore from yesterday, I think of my dad and what might have been - he died 15 years ago today - and I’m ready to tell Mr. Daylight Savings to go back where he came from. Between what’s already happened and the very distinct possibility I will be sucked into the dark abyss that is my son’s closet never to be seen again, I just want to run away.

When it was time for our morning prayer all I could muster was, “Jesus, please help us today.” And with puzzled look and a bit of a grin after seeing the distress on my face, the kids chimed in with a “Yes, Lord, amen!”

And on this day when “Please, help!” is all I can summon, He hears, sees, and cares just like He does at times when things don’t go wrong. He knows how much I need Him; He understands bad days.

When all you can say is, “Help!” He comes running. And that is my strength for today.

I love the Lord because he hears and answers my prayers. Because he bends down and listens. – Psalm 116:1 (NLT)

True Belief

Belief is powerful. It matters not whether the construct in which one’s faith is placed is true or false, what is important is the assurance of the believer. Convictions affect actions; decisions prove confidence. The choices we make everyday, in every situation point in the direction of our faith. True belief is not measured in mere words, but in deeds.

I recently watched a show about a woman who is a Doomsday prepper. Every aspect of her life is noticeably impacted by her belief in the soon-coming breakdown of life and government as we know it. She is committed to the idea that within the next couple of years, due to economic recession, big government, and limited resources for the average American, society will break down, martial law will be employed, and general chaos will ensue.

In an effort to make ready for the impending collapse of society, she has spent $30,000 over the last year stockpiling food, creating emergency escape plans, learning to use different types of weapons, buying guns, amassing first aid kits, and making survival packs should she have to leave her home and head for the hills. She holds meetings in an effort to educate and convince her friends of the validity of her theory. She never leaves home without survival gear. She spends at least 6 hours a day in some form of preparatory activity. Everything she does centers around her belief.

Her checkbook, activities, home, car, pantry, lifestyle, and relationships (or lack thereof) testify to her convictions; they tell where her trust lies.

The same is true of us as Christians. Our checkbooks, activities, homes, cars, pantries, lifestyles, and relationships reveal our beliefs, expose the true foundation of our lives.

Let us not be fooled; actions speak louder than words.

Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. – Galatians 6:7-9 (NIV)

Stuff I've Been Reading

Just wanted to share a few thought-provoking quotes from two books I am currently reading: The Resolution for Women by Priscilla Shirer, and Mother Teresa: In My Own Words. Happy pondering!

By choosing contentment, you’re not getting rid of your desires; you’re just demanding that they assume an appropriate, humble position in your life, not bossing you around like a tyrannical dictator forcing you to submit to his ever-growing and ever-changing list of demands. It means you no longer allow your yearnings and aspirations to control you, to rob from you the full use of and gratitude for what you’ve currently been given, leaving you unable to enjoy ‘this’ because He hasn’t seen fit to give you ‘that.’ – Priscilla Shirer

The important thing is not to do a lot or to do everything. The important thing is to be ready for anything, at all times; to be convinces that when serving the poor, we really serve God. – Mother Teresa

Refusing to stay in our assigned lane, swerving into a driving position we’re not designed to occupy, will always lead to dissatisfaction. – Priscilla Shirer

Rather than seeking to impress and outperform others, and rather than feeling ashamed by what you don’t have and can’t do, relish the opportunity to stand as a living, walking, eating, breathing example of what God’s grace can do with a woman He has set apart, weaknesses and all, to be a sacred vessel in His service. You are a purposeful place setting. A masterpiece worth celebrating. – Priscilla Shirer

When a poor person dies of hunger, it has not happened because God did not take care of him or her. It has happened because neither you nor I wanted to give that person what he or she needed. We have refused to be instruments of love in the hands of God... – Mother Teresa

God does not demand that I be successful. God demands that I be faithful. When facing God, results are not important. Faithfulness is what is important. – Mother Teresa

Write to Restore: The Danger of Ritual

1.) Get up, use the restroom, strip to nothing, weigh.

2.) Try not to eat, give in after almost fainting, strip to nothing, weigh.

3.) Beat myself up for being weak, throw up, strip to nothing, weigh.

4.) Scrub the toilet, wash hands and face, brush teeth, strip to nothing, weigh.

5.) Exercise hard, drink a little water, strip to nothing, weigh.

6.) Take 30 laxatives, writhe in pain, spend half the night on the toilet, strip to nothing, weigh.

Directions:

Repeat steps 1-4 at least five times a day.

Replicate this sequence all day, everyday.

Take care of three kids under age 3.

Try to talk to Husband.

Lie to everyone – no one will understand.

Hide – then you won’t have to explain.

Pray hard all the time, maybe God will hear you, but good luck getting forgiveness.

This was my life for three years.

Ritual brings comfort and focus. It places emphasis on action rather than condition. Ritual creates rules, makes black and white, steers clear of areas grey, hard to understand. It has no answers, no grace. Ritual shapes unkempt, torn, mismatched pieces into tidy boxes.

And for all of these reasons, ritual is dangerous. Ritual is man’s creation – a way to bring order to things we do not understand, over which we have no power. It is an attempt to control, regulate, and create boundaries. Ritual leaves no room for error, gives no place to mercy. Ritual kills and destroys – one action at a time.

Ritual forgets about God.

A thief is only there to steal and kill and destroy. I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of. – John 10:10 (MSG)

Taking Chances

God’s been dealing with me about taking chances. I’ve tried ignoring Him, but He keeps pushing it in my face. Does He not know who He’s dealing with here? Has He forgotten who I am? I’m that girl – the one who’s afraid of everything, never takes risks; the one who’s neurotic, phobic, obsessive; the one who messes up all the time. I keep telling Him why I can’t but He just won’t listen; instead, He reminds me of Moses.

Moses had serious issues. He had a major identity crisis, murdered a guy, ran away, and tried to hide his past. He always knew there was more but was afraid of it. Then God meets him in the desert one day after many years and tells him he’s going  to be a leader, one who will stand before Pharoah and lead His people out of Egypt. And what does Moses say? Not, “Wow, God, thanks, I’m so honored you chose me,” or “Woohoo, the God of all creation just spoke to little me; I think I’ll listen because He’s God and He knows what He’s talking about.”

Nope, not Moses. The first words out of his mouth were, “Who am I to go before Pharoah?” and “How can you expect me to lead the people out?” Then God tells Moses He’ll be with him and will tell him what to say, but Moses continues to come up with excuse after excuse. When I read this passage I kept thinking, Really, Moses? You must be two kinds of stupid to try to argue with God. I would be down on my face thanking the Most High for talking to me, choosing me, walking beside me, whispering in my ear telling me what to say, giving me the authority to stand and proclaim His word to people who need it.

And then it hit me – I am just like Moses. For the great God of the universe, the One who speaks all life into existence, the One who makes no mistakes talked to me. And what was my first reaction? Sadly, it wasn’t to give Him praise and stand in awe that He would choose me. Instead, I argued. I told God all the reasons I can’t – how I’m not good enough, how I’m not a good speaker, how no one will listen, how I’m a failure, how I still struggle.

When God makes a plan, He doesn’t forget it or change His mind. He knows who you are, where you are, what you are doing and why. He will come and find you, even if you’ve run away. He has His reasons for choosing you:

His choice of you was based on a deep, intimate knowledge of who you are. So even if you simply cannot fathom why God would choose a person like you to participate in a particular activity, He Himself is well aware of His reasons. He has selected you, and everything about you, to participate in the work He is doing at this point in history. – Priscilla Shirer

How can we argue with that?

Be encouraged today. God, Who was there when you were being formed, Who chose you before you were even born, Who knows everything about you and made you that way on purpose will never leave you. He is true to His word – it is impossible for Him to lie. He will be with you, He will tell you what to say, where to go and what to do. But, you have to choose. You have to take a chance.

Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God. – Corrie ten Boom

I promise you what I promised Moses: ‘Everywhere you go, you will be on land I have given you’ – ...No one will be able to stand their ground against you as long as you live. For I will be with you as I was with Moses. I will not fail you or abandon you. Be strong and courageous, for you will lead my people to possess all the land I swore to give their ancestors. Be strong and very courageous. Obey all the laws Moses gave you. Do not turn away from them, and you will be successful in everything you do. Study this Book of the Law continually. Meditate on it day and night so you may be sure to obey all that is written in it. Only then will you succeed. I command you – be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. – Joshua 1:3-9

Passion

Please watch this short video if you have the time:

Three Letters from Teddy

For obvious reasons, this video is often shown to teachers during pre-planning sessions at the beginning of each school year. I watched it many times during the years I was a teacher, and it always inspired me to take inventory of my motives and actions and reminded me of the incredible impact I could have on a child’s life. It helped me focus and recall the reasons I became a teacher in the first place; it gave me a renewed sense of passion for the upcoming year. And it always made me cry – every single time I heard the story I was a blubbering mess by the time Teddy explained that the perfume and bracelet had belonged to his mother.

One year in particular, after viewing the clip, passing tissues, wiping tears, and blowing noses, a colleague turned to a dry-eyed administrator who was sitting behind us and said, “How are you not crying after that? It gets me every time.” With sly grin and expressionless eyes, she promptly responded, “Honey, when you’ve been doing this as long as I have that stuff doesn’t get to you anymore.”

All I could think was, Wow, why are you even here? Somewhere along the way, after years of teaching, testing, jumping through government hoops, and being over-worked with little compensation, she lost her passion. Students represented test scores and federal funding instead of souls and impressionable minds.

Time has a way of doing that – making us lose our passion, causing us to forget why we do what we do. We often get so caught up in the trap of busyness – the immediacy of small tasks in the here and now – that we forget the bigger picture, failing to realize our passion is gone. And why is this so dangerous? Because our passion is directly tied to our purpose, and when we misplace our purpose we are vulnerable to attack.

You are a woman of influence. People are watching. What do they see? Passionate purpose or tired indifference? I encourage you today to take time out. Remember who you are and Whose you are. He wants to use you where you are right now.

I will answer immeasurable grace with passionate faith. – Michael O’Brien

As Jesus and the disciples continued on their way to Jerusalem, they came to a village where a woman named Martha welcomed them into her home. Her sister, Mary, sat at the Lord’s feet, listening to what he taught. But Martha was worrying over the big dinner she was preparing. She came to Jesus and said, “Lord, doesn’t it seem unfair to you that my sister just sits here while I do all the work? Tell her to come and help me.” But the Lord said to her, “My dear Martha, you are so upset over all these details! There is really only one things worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it – and I won’t take it away from her.” – Luke 10:38-42 (NLT)

You Can't, or You Won't?

Foggy from lack of coffee and sleep, I listened, wondering when it would be over. Hovering somewhere between consciousness and coma, my deprived brain tried to process the great wisdom being spoken, but the haze was just too thick. Then, out of nowhere, like a lightning bolt straight from heaven, the words jolted me back to life: Often, when we say we can’t, we’re really saying we won’t.

His conviction pierced my heart. It’s true – I’ve been saying I can’t, but what I really mean is I won’t. I’ve been afraid and intimidated. I told God I would do what He asked me – that I would take the opportunities He gives. I told Him I was ready. I told Him I trust Him. I lied.

I was presented with the possibility of speaking engagements three times last week. Three. I didn’t seek any of them out – I’ve never, ever wanted to be a public speaker. The very idea makes me sick at my stomach. After the initial excitement, the feeling that God has greater plans for me than I think, I spoke the words that slap God in His holy face: “I don’t know about all that. I really don’t think I can do it. What would I say? I am not a speaker; I’m a writer. Yeah – I just can’t.”

God made me. He knows what I am capable of – He wouldn’t ask me to do anything I can’t do. God doesn’t make fun of me. He won’t mock me by putting me into a situation I can’t handle with His help. I should be thanking God that He trusts me enough to give me opportunities to share His word.

I refuse to believe my feelings. Yes, I am inadequate on my own, but greater is He who is in me than he who is in the world. I can do all things through Christ. I am who He says I am. He is truth – He cannot lie, so if He says I can; I can. And I will.

I will no longer stand in defiance by saying “I can’t.” Instead I say, “Here I am, send me.”

What about you? Has God given you an opportunity you failed to take because of fear or intimidation? God never sets us up for failure. Those He calls, He equips. Join me in stepping out – if He says we can; we can.

Moses raised another objection to God: "Master, please, I don't talk well. I've never been good with words, neither before nor after you spoke to me. I stutter and stammer." God said, "And who do you think made the human mouth? And who makes some mute, some deaf, some sighted, some blind? Isn't it I, God? So, get going. I'll be right there with you - with your mouth! I'll be right there to teach you what to say." - Exodus 4:10-12 (MSG)

Chosen

I’ve been reading The Resolution for Women by Priscilla Shirer, and it has really caused me to look at several areas of my life a lot differently. In the book, Shirer outlines thirteen resolutions designed to inspire self-introspection and implementation of real change in the way we approach life and relationships.

Resolution #3: I will accept and celebrate my uniqueness, and will esteem and encourage the distinctions I admire in others.

I have no issue with the second half of this declaration; it’s the beginning, the I will accept and celebrate my uniqueness part with which I have a problem. I’m edging closer and closer to the big 4-0 and only this year have I begun to truly accept myself for who I am. It’s been a long process, a journey of epic proportions, but with God’s help I’ve made it. But the pledge doesn’t stop there, it becomes even harder. I must vow to celebrate my uniqueness. Really? Celebrate my uniqueness?! That’s easier said than done – I know me, and trust me, I’m not that great.

And then I read:

I chose you before I formed you in the womb; I set you apart before you were born. I appointed you a prophet to the nations. – Jeremiah 1:5

Choosing, as it is used in this verse, denotes a knowing. His choice of you was based on a deep, intimate knowledge of who you are. So even if you simply cannot fathom why God would choose a person like you to participate in a particular activity, He Himself is well aware of His reasons. He has selected you, and everything about you, to participate in the work He is doing at this point in history. – Priscilla Shirer

We are each known and chosen by God. We are each uniquely designed to meet the specific needs of those around us. We are each who we are on purpose, by His design. 

That, my friends, is something to celebrate.

Write to Restore: Choices

No matter what happens to us in life, we always have a choice. Always. Sometimes we don’t like hearing that. Why? Because it makes us responsible, requires us to be accountable, and often, it’s much easier to just blame someone or something else than it is to admit that somewhere along the way we made a wrong decision.

Some people may think this is harsh, and they should – it is. But more often than not the truth isn’t soft and pretty and ready to snuggle with. It’s jagged, sharp, and rough. It cuts straight through to the heart of the matter – reveals who we really are.

When I was severely depressed and eating disordered, I felt like I was trapped and could do nothing to help myself. Indeed, I was bound by diseases I did not ask for, things I could not control. Illness invaded my brain, took over. It ravaged my body and spirit, its poison flowed through every part of me. I was manipulated by my feelings – feelings that said I wasn’t good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, thin enough; the feelings said I would never be well.

Truth was replaced by emotion; rationality gave way to the absurd. But ultimately, I chose what I believed. Unfortunately, for many years I elected to believe disorder. It was easier to believe lies than to fight for truth, and even though deep down I knew my brain was sick and full of distortion – it was more comfortable to trust that I was worthless, ugly, fat, and stupid than it was to seek change because when I let feelings rule me, I didn’t have to be accountable; I didn’t have to see the truth.

And then one day crouched on the floor, surrounded by blood, scissors in hand, I hit rock bottom. Jesus heard my cry, came to my rescue. He gave me the strength to pursue truth. He made me realize that in spite of my diseases – the things I could not control – there were choices I could make.

First came the decision to get out of bed. Then I moved on to bigger things like taking a shower and eating at least one thing without throwing up. After that, I made the choice to get help from others, to tell my secrets. It took a really long time and a whole lot of effort. Some days I failed, but I knew I was not alone and each day I gained a little more strength. I learned to distinguish fact from feeling and began to understand that I could decide to what and whom I would listen.

Our choices reveal where our trust lies.

For a long time I made the wrong choices, believed in lies, trusted deception. Satan made me think I had to accept disease, that I had no options, that I was all alone. But then Jesus rescued me. He didn’t sweep me off my feet and give me instantaneous freedom. He worked with me. He helped me see that freedom comes by choice. Freedom comes through believing truth.

What I believe determines my actions, and my actions determine my state.

Don’t be fooled – you do have choices. You don’t have to live in darkness, Christ has set you free. All you have to do is believe. It won’t be easy, but one day at a time, one choice at a time, He will be with you.

So if the Son sets you free, you will indeed be free. – John 8:36 (NLT)

*** The first issue of Woman to Woman Magazine is in print and available for purchase. Single issues and yearly subscriptions are available. I am excited to be a contributor to the very first edition - check it out!