Oxymoron

Living dead

Successful failure

Wimpy giant

Jumbo shrimp

Insecurely stable

Depressed Christian

A contradiction in terms. Have you ever felt like that – as if you are made up of a spectrum of opposites – on one end one day and on the other the next? I’ve felt like that a lot lately. My head knows one thing and my heart feels another and I’m trapped in darkness searching for level ground. My prayers drop heavy from bouncing off brass; they pool cracked, bruised, broken all around my feet. But today I’m reminded of His contradictions.

His death brings life

My less is His more

My weakness brings His strength

And I realize my incongruity means nothing to Him. He Himself was a paradox – fully God yet fully man, He fulfilled law with grace. He specializes in people like me. He knows what it's like to live between forces, to be pulled in opposite directions.

I am thankful I serve a God who understands – who is touched by the feelings of my infirmities.

Be encouraged today. You are never alone. He knows, He sees, He cares, and beyond that, He understands. He loves with an unfailing love and His grace is sufficient. I’m letting His contradictions bring balance to mine today. Join me.

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are – yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. – Hebrews 4:15-16 (NIV)

Holy Conjunctions

Conjunctions are connectors between words, phrases, clauses, or sentences; they give us the ability to combine thoughts that otherwise wouldn’t be together.

I like conjunctions, especially the word but - it creates room for exception, gives hope of the contrary, constructs the possibility of an opposite outcome.

According to my research (not sure how accurate it is) the word but is used 3,751 times in the King James Version of the Bible.

That’s 3,751 chances for a different result – 3, 751 openings into a better way.

I must connect His words to mine. I need His thoughts to contradict, to give hope, to bring possibility. I have to join God’s conjunctions to my circumstances.

I need to hear Him say but in the middle of my jumbled words, to have Him combine His life-giving words with the phrases and clauses of my being, to feel Him join His promise to my lack.

And I read today:

But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen you and protect you from the evil one.  – 2 Thes. 3:3 (NIV)

But take heart! I have overcome the world. – John 16:33b (NIV)

But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a little while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you. – I Peter 5:10 (NKJV)

But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus. – Phil. 4:19 (KJV)

Be encouraged. Join me in looking for holy conjunctions – those places He connects His possibility to our circumstances. He has a but for every situation.

Learning What I Already Knew

I hoped to recharge my writing batteries, to regain a sense of purpose, to hear from God. I wanted to come back fresh and full of words; I prayed God would show me something new. But no recharging, regaining, or hearing happened, I have fewer words than when I left, and He didn’t show me anything new. Someone tried to break into my car and now I get to pay for the damage. I have been battling depression for the past several weeks and I am completely drained. To be quite honest, I feel worse than I did before; I am broken like my window.

BUT...

Maybe God used all this to show me what I already knew – that in spite of it all, even when I don’t see Him, even when I can’t hear Him or feel Him, He is still there. He doesn’t move. He is constant and unchanging. My location and situation may have changed, but His has not. God knows, He sees, He cares. He is not limited by my feelings or struggles; He is not confined to the box I sometimes put Him in. He has not forgotten me – He knows right where I am.

And really, isn’t that all I need to know? I don’t need something new – I just need to remember what I already know. He is good. He is faithful. He works for my good in spite of all these things – in spite of me.

Dance with Me

When they were babies I wanted them bigger – more independent, more autonomous. I had three under 18-months-old; I did everything for them. There was no part of me that was ever disengaged from their needs. I was tired and haggard, worn out, spent, and I just kept thinking, “It will be easier in a couple more years.”

A couple more years came and went a few times over, and I sit here wondering why I wished it away. What I thought would change hasn’t – there is still no part of me that is ever disengaged from their needs. I’m tired and haggard, worn out, spent, and I just keep thinking, “If I could just go back a couple of years.”

I want to freeze frame this moment – to just stop everything and dance like time’s standing still. Because today’s 6^th grade graduation will be tomorrow’s high school graduation; today’s busyness will be tomorrow’s memory.

I don’t want to keep living for tomorrow never enjoying today. I don’t want to wake up 20 years from now wishing there was a rewind button I could push, sad I missed moments forever gone because I got too caught up in empty frantic.

I want to be purposeful today; I want to dance.

NeedtoBreathe - Stones Under Rushing Water

Expectation

Protruding wires scratched her gums, leaving a nasty, open sore. “It hurts so bad, Mama, and that medicine’s not working” – three days in a row this went on. But this morning she woke up smiling. Pulling out her lip, grinning wide and laughing a little, “It’s gone,” she said. “I asked Jesus to heal it last night and when I woke up this morning, it wasn’t there anymore.”

“Cool,” I said, trying to hide my amazement. Smooth, even pink had replaced bubbly, aching white – it was as if nothing had ever happened. And immediately I felt it – His pricking on my heart – Why are you surprised?

I know the answer but I don’t want to say it. And I wish I was more like her. She wasn’t surprised at all it was gone – she knew He would meet her need.

Maybe because things didn’t work out like I expected, maybe because He said No a time or two, maybe because it takes energy and hope to believe, but somewhere along the way I kept on praying and quit trusting – that I matter, that He hears me, that He cares.

But I want to be like that – to have child-like faith, to pray and actually expect Him to answer, to trust that my Dad is going to take care of it.

There is nothing too big or too small for God. He knows, He sees, and He cares. He wants to help us, but we must have confidence in His reliability; we have to trust in His love and grace.

Have you lost your sense of expectancy – your faith that He will answer your prayers? Don’t give up. Join me in remembering His promises, the answers of prayers past. He is faithful, He hasn’t changed, His words are true.

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who as him! – Matthew 7:7-11 (NIV)

Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. – Mark 11:24 (NIV)

Not Fair

“It’s not fair!” “I know,” she would respond, “But Honey, LIFE is not fair.” And now, like then, I hate hearing those words. But it’s true – bad things happen to good people, wicked people prosper, children die, undeserving people get promoted – life really isn’t fair. And as I grapple with wrongs done, how to make sense of the inequitable, I hear Him saying, “Deidra, life is not fair, but that doesn’t mean I’m not working.” And He shows me Joseph – how He used unfairness to develop character, confidence, confirmation.

Nothing about Joseph’s life was fair – his brothers were jealous because he was their dad’s favorite; they hated him because he was a visionary. They sold him into slavery when he was only seventeen, but God was with him despite the unjustness of it all, giving him favor and causing him to receive promotion in Potiphar’s house. And then what happened? More unfair. Potiphar’s wife got angry because he refused her advances, so she lied and he was put in prison.

And again, in the middle of the undeserved, God was with him and gave him favor, putting him in charge. He helped others while in prison and interpreted dreams. And what did he get? More unfair. Others said they would remember him, help him get out, but they didn’t until two years later.

Joseph was thirty-years-old when he interpreted Pharoah’s dream. He endured unfairness for thirteen years, but it was in that span of time he was prepared for his destiny. Joseph’s character was established – his calling was confirmed, his reputation was developed, his leadership skills improved. Thirteen years of unfair prepared him for 80 years of leadership.

There are some parts of the palace that can only be prepared for in prison. Joseph’s character had to be established before it could be revealed. The palace is a place where skills are showcased, but the prison is a place where they are fine-tuned. Joseph had to depend on God – His voice, His timing, His favor – in all he went through. Joseph’s character was formed in a dark, dirty prison cell long before it was revealed in the light of the king’s court.

God gives favor and promotion, His timing is perfect, He is always with us, He has a plan, He wastes nothing, but he cannot use us if we are not ready. It’s the unfair that prepares us, develops us, makes us strong, gives us compassion, teaches us to depend on Him, confirms our calling.

Promotion is a process. Don’t be discouraged, He uses everything – even the unfair – to get us where He wants us. Pit, Potiphar’s house, prison, palace – no matter where you are, He is there. Trust Him – He is faithful.

You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. – Genesis 50:20 (NIV)

The Other Five

I feel it most on days like today when balancing the checkbook and mowing the lawn are my primary tasks – this failure, reduction, hollow. Just five years ago I was working on a Ph.D., dreaming of the day I would be called Dr. Manning, hoping that degree would establish my ability, give proof of my potential. But here I sit today, no career, no income, no Ph.D, the only evidence of my capacity a mountain of student loan debt.

The need to prove myself – my competence, my worth – has always been the driving force behind my ambitions.  If I can live in that neighborhood, if I can have this job, if I can serve on that board, if I could speak at this event, if I could have that ministry – then I will be successful, then people will know I matter.

And then I realized ninety-five percent of my life has been spent – wasted – trying to prove to people who don’t care things that don’t really matter.

I want to live my life in the other five percent – the place often overlooked, the place where He dwells.

The number five represents grace – His favor, His pardon, His mercy. The very essence of who He is can be found in that little number five.

Sometimes God’s greatest blessings are found in the small. Don’t despise the humble – that’s where His grace abounds.

But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: “God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.” – James 4:6 (NIV)

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” – 2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV)

Bootstraps

Please don’t judge or criticize,

Call me lazy or a quitter.

You don’t know what’s deep inside –

The part that’s always hidden.

Pull yourself up by the bootstraps,

Fight the good fight, be tough.

But what more could I possibly do

When my all just isn’t enough?

Someone stole my bootstraps –

Left me here as if for dead.

And while you spout off your encouraging words,

I’m sinking in over my head.

Flailing, struggling, I fight for hope,

While you keep rambling on.

Either offer me your bootstraps

Or leave me here on my own.

I’ll eventually be rescued,

But not by sheer force of will.

He’ll come looking and find me,

He’ll offer His Peace, be still.

And when He comes by, hand outstretched,

Full of bootstraps strong, brand new,

He’ll help me get out, lace my boots, stand up tall,

And we’ll be thinking of you –

Wondering why you just talked, looked down, watched me drown

Never offering your strength, a plan

When you knew all along that my straps were gone,

Extra pairs hoarded in your hands.

The opposite of love isn't hate; it's indifference. - Steven Pressfield

James 1:22(NIV) – Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.

Matthew 25: 34-40 (NIV) – Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’ Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’ The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

Roots

They say you can’t go home again – that once you’re gone, it’s done. But the truth is that home, whether you want it to be or not, is always with you. Those roots – good, bad, or ugly – run deep. You don’t have to go back to it – it goes with you. The reminders of hopes unfulfilled, successes unachieved, words unspoken, hearts unloved, wrongs done travel with us – they last a lifetime and if we’re  not careful, can taint the soil from which our souls are fed.

Roots are conduits – the links between tree and earth. They feed, sustain, deliver life, transport nutrients and water from the soil. No matter how gnarly, twisted, or misshapen they may be, they are the only chance a tree has for growth, and they give a tree the ability to absorb, stand firm, store, and reproduce.

It’s the same with us. Our roots – history, past experiences, origin, failures, losses, weaknesses – no matter how gnarly, twisted, or misshapen they may be, are the filters through which we grow and learn. They stretch from our core to His nutrient-rich soil, funneling strength, sustenance. They allow us to absorb His grace; they give us the ability to stand firm, anchored in His love. They enable us to store up hope for the future; they empower us to give birth to His promises.

Our roots are what give us depth; they qualify us to absorb His light; to stand tall providing shade, cover for those still growing; to store up supply to share with others, to generate new life.

Your roots may be humble or ugly, embarrassing or painful.  But your roots are your assets – they are your unique capacity to reach and empower those around you. God wastes nothing. If we allow Him to, He takes our messy, tangled pasts and secures them to His mercy, causing us to be overcomers through His blood and the words of our testimonies. And through those testimonies – the message of His triumph and deliverance – we can show others the way to Him.

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for captives and release from darkness the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion – to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor. – Isaiah 61:1-3 (NIV)

Five More Minutes

Incessant beeping pulls me from sweet sleep into groggy awareness. “Ugh, just five more minutes,” I groan, rolling over to hit the snooze bar. I never really had this problem before. Although I’m not a morning person by any stretch of the imagination, I’ve always been one to get up and going with the sound of the alarm. It’s only been over the last three years or so that I’ve developed a great appreciation for the snooze bar and the relief and extra time it promises.

But the snooze bar lies. It guarantees time that really isn’t there and pledges false reprieve. It lures with snuggly warmness and comfort, but in the end slaps hard with the realization that the time it promised wasn’t really extra; it was borrowed. Moving faster than ever to make up for the minutes lost, I rush around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to get everything done. What was supposed to give me an extra boost has actually drained me; what was supposed to offer more time has stolen it.

Sadly, this happens in my spiritual life as well. He sounds the alarm – shows me something to do or something to get rid of – and instead of taking Him seriously – my omniscient God who knows and sees all things, who is the giver of life, who works for my good, who sees the end as well as the beginning, who orders my steps – I press the snooze bar and invite Satan in. He sings lullabies and whispers, “There’s more time;” he fills me with fear and tells me, “You can’t do it, just stay here and go back to sleep.”  And I listen, welcoming his deceit, when all along I know the truth – the time he promises isn’t his to give; the fear provides false safety and warmth.

Is God asking you to do something or to give something up? Fight the temptation to press the snooze bar. God’s timing is perfect and we are not promised tomorrow. How often have we missed His blessings, an opportunity to share His love, or the chance for freedom in an area of bondage because we were tricked into waiting just five more minutes?  The snooze bar is a hoax of the enemy. He uses it to rob us, to pacify us, to keep us from God’s best.

Sometimes it’s hard to get up, to get moving, to get rid of things making us complacent, or to get busy doing the work He’s called us to. But be encouraged. He only wants good for us – to strengthen, grow, and use us. He who began the work is faithful to complete it.

Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, do you not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.” As it is, you boast in your arrogant schemes. All such boasting is evil. If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them. – James 4:13-17 (NIV)

Captive Freedom

From time to time, birds get stuck in our trampoline. Swooping low, aiming for just the right spot to perch, occasionally one will miss the mark and fly into the net rather than landing on the tall posts that offer the promise of safety and rest. And in an instant, peace turns to panic. Fluttering in circles, flapping, flailing, the bird becomes disoriented. It lights on the net looking all around, seeing only enclosure, confinement, not realizing the freedom it longs for is directly above. All it has to do is look up.

I live my life that way sometimes. Seeking His safety, refuge, rest, I try to make a landing. But on occasion I miss the mark and become panicked. Not realizing the net is open, I flutter and flail trying desperately to make an escape. Seeking a way out, I fly in endless circles, wondering where the net ends, where the rest, peace, grace is, when my freedom hovers directly above – all I have to do is look up.

Have you missed the mark today? Do you feel trapped, panicked, insecure? Look up. He is watching, waiting. He loves you – He is your help.

I lift my eyes to the mountains – where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip – he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber or sleep. The Lord watches over you – the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all harm – he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore. – Psalm 121 (NIV)

Breathe

This song has really been on my heart this week and I wanted to share it with you today. Be encouraged – “Everything is possible now, for God is here, and God is good.”

 I Breathe You In, God - Bryan and Katie Torwalt

                                  

The presence of the Living God
Satisfies the depths of my heart
And all of me I change when you came
And I'm led free by Your glory and grace
And I breathe You in, God
Cause You are there all around me

The kindness of Your love’s pure light
Pierces through the darkest of all night
And everything is possible now
For God is here
And God is good

And You are good, God
For You are good to me

And when I don't understand
I will choose You

And when I don't understand
I will choose to love You, God

And when I don't understand
I will choose You

And when I dont understand
I will choose to love You, God

And You are good, God
For You are good to me

It’s my privilege
To worship You
To worship

For You are good, God
For You are good to me

Write to Restore: Father

I’ve heard it said that one of a girl’s most important relationships is the one she has with her father. I believe that to be true. I didn’t have a connection with my dad and it affects me to this day. When I see my husband with my daughters it conjures a mix of emotions –sad for me, happy for them. I didn’t have what they do, what I deserved, what every little girl longs for – unconditional love, a sense of peace and safety, validation. I lived in fear, insecurity, and anxiety. And though I’m sure he did love me because I was his child – an extension of himself – I never felt that he loved me for who I was.

He never hugged or kissed me, never told me he loved me. I guess he assumed I knew. But how was I supposed to know? Slamming doors, shouting curse words, and avoiding interaction doesn’t look like love to a 9-year-old. It appears to be hate and anger; it feels like rejection.

Years later when I found out the truth, it suddenly all made sense. It wasn’t that he didn’t love me, he was just so busy covering with lies, deceit and manipulation that he had no time for what really mattered.  His anger wasn’t with me, it was with himself. Years of living a double life had taken their toll. But the damage was already done, and even though things became explicable, they didn’t become justifiable or understandable.

This was his truth: he had homosexual affairs; he knew he was HIV positive but didn’t tell anyone including my mother, who he continued a relationship with; he embezzled money from every place he ever worked; he died of AIDS.

Secrets can only cover for a while; they are never strong enough to shield forever. For deception breeds in darkness, reproducing shadows, multiplying black. And when they break open, as they always do, releasing reality, fact, what once seemed small breaks forth massive, engulfing – a tidal wave that destroys everything in its path.

It wasn’t until the last time I saw him alive that I got my “I love you,” but that one memory towers high above the rest, pointing to an even more glorious event.  Read our happy ending here.

Where Do I Go From Here?

I’m disappointed. I have a bad attitude. People are really getting on my nerves. I don’t like admitting that. I’d like to lie and say my heart is filled with great joy and love for all. I’d like to tell you everything is going great and I’m super stoked about the future. I wish I could declare with utmost assurance that things will work out as I hope they will. But I can’t. And God knows. And He’s not mad because I’m not perfect; He’s not going to zap me because I forgot my super Christian cape this week.

He, more than anyone, understands the frustrations of life. He knows how it feels to be betrayed, sad, lonely, disillusioned. And so I take my problems to Him, thankful He cares, praying He will forgive, begging Him to help me see the road I should take, the way out.

Where do I go from here? I ask Him, and in gentle tone He says, Nowhere, you just stay right here with Me. And it is in this place I understand, fully realize His grace. There is nowhere I can go to make it right, to change the outcome, to make things turn out the way I’d like. I must stay here with Him, let Him wash me clean, change my heart, rinse away the worry. He’s the only one who can remedy what is wrong.

Sometimes it seems more productive to go, to work, to try to repair the damage, but it is in the staying with Him that He stays us – supporting, sustaining, strengthening, causing us to be fixed and at rest.

I call upon you, my God, for you will answer me; turn your ear to me and hear my prayer. Show me the wonders of your great love, you who save by your right hand those who take refuge in you from their foes. Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings. – Psalm 17:7-8 (NIV)

Inspiration

You may feel like your little is not enough for a great big world. You may consider yourself insignificant. You may feel like giving up. But remember, what you do is important and someone needs you. Be encouraged with these words today:

Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does. – William James

I am a little pencil in the hand of a writing God who is sending a love letter to the world. – Mother Teresa

I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do. – Edward Everett Hale

Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could only do a little. – Edmund Burke

If you can’t feed a hundred people, then feed just one. – Mother Teresa

I wondered why somebody didn’t do something. Then I realized, I am somebody. – Author Unknown

Never worry about numbers. Help one person at a time, and always start with the person nearest you. – Mother Teresa

A bone to the dog is not charity. Charity is the bone shared with the dog when you are just as hungry as the dog. – Jack London

Every action in our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity. – Edwin Hubbel Chapin

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opporunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers. – Galatians 6:9-10 (NIV)